aggravated, anxious, defeated, depressed, discouraged, frustrated …
If you chose any combination (or all) of these words to describe how I am feeling now, you would not be incorrect. I find it sad that it seems lately that the oppression covers my life like a wet blanket on a cold day. It also seems that no matter how hard I try to do the right thing or how I try to set and follow a plan to “normalcy”, ignorant obstacles crop up in my path that inhibits my progress. I know that this is a bleak outlook on life from me and I know all the cliché’s I have told myself here in this blog as well as the many other words and phrases I have heard, but reality is a fierce opponent.
Denise and I try to plan events and schedule projects so that we actually have “checkpoints” to help alleviate stresses and “last minute” crisis. But unfortunately, many of these “checkpoints” rely on outside influences. For Example, we are moving apartments NLT 1 July. The “new” apartment is currently occupied by a couple of young kids that are rather rude, arrogant and hold little respect for the consequences of life. They have not paid the rent for a long period of time. I am not trying to pass judgment on them, but just trying to reveal their general selfish outlook on life. We used to think of a generation as a “Me FIRST” generation, but I am more and more convinced that even this has degenerated into an “ONLY ME” generation. This is a foreign concept for someone who was raised to be considerate of others and polite to everyone. This is one of the factors causing my bleak attitude toward our world. But I digress … This lack of cooperation is now holding up the progress of cleaning and staging our move and we are at a hold awaiting the call that they have vacated the premises and thus not allowing our current apartment to be available for the next people here. Much like a dance with the other partners walking in the opposite direction.
Another contributing blot in my life is that although I have accepted that I will not any time soon be able to travel to and fro as I would like, I find it devastating to not be able to significantly contribute to the support of my lovely and dedicated bride and family. Due to a poor choice made in 1976, I am shackled by the consequences of that choice. At 52 years of age, I am no closer to “The American Dream” than when I was a wet-behind-the –ears kid. Actually, I am farther than ever from any kind of dream life. This mix of legal and financial nightmarish attacks has devastated my self esteem and confidence as well. Many times I feel like hiding in a dark corner while I watch my enemies dance around the corpse of my life and dreams. I feel invisible and that the world is passing me by with little more than the proverbial nod in my direction. Maybe that is when I feel safest … back against the wall, in a dark corner. I have tried to address these issues, but because of the lack of financial resources and/or interested council, I feel I have to concede to the enemy.
Some people think that an open attack is a horrible event, but I submit to you that invisibility is a greater foe. I pray that every one of you enjoy the blessings that you have and that you give thanks for your achievements you have accomplished and the many things you have yet to gain. I apologize to you for this dark post, but this is one of the many reasons I am doing this ..to get it off my chest and maybe …just maybe … a direction will emerge out of the darkness and into a lighter and livelier existence
May God Bless You and Yours
Gene
No comments:
Post a Comment